Scrapbook of Madness #5

I’m staring at the screen, trying to find the courage and energy to write something but I can’t. I feel emotionless.  Wondering what all the hell this means, and what the point of it all is. I’ve never been this tired in my life, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I lack the motivation I use to have and I cannot find any inspiration.  I’ve been thinking of getting rid of everything I own, to start fresh and see what I become. My dreams have been taking me to the past, a past of “I should have done this, I shouldn’t have done that.” I wake up more tired than I was when I went to sleep.

I want to stop feeling guilty for my decisions of the past, present, and future. I want to stop feeling the fear and judgement in my mind. Self-help books have only done so much.  I see what I got and I feel I don’t deserve it. There is nothing I belong to. I’m the man in black who has pushed everyone away through silence and keeping to myself.  I’ve been passed and stuck in the same place for the past 10 years, never living up to my potential. I’m tired, I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

I need to find the inspiration again, the hope that I had when I was in my 20’s and when it all seemed purer, reachable, and made for the ones who followed the rules.

Maybe I haven’t grown up yet and I have a long way to catch up. Maybe I need to make drastic changes in my life. Maybe I need to stop being such a pussy and live life. Maybe I was never the person I thought I was. Maybe I need  give myself a chance. Maybe I don’t know as much as I thought I know. Maybe I am where I ought to be. Maybe this is all meant for reason, and someday I’ll know. Maybe I need to lighten up. Maybe I need to put a smile on my face. Maybe I just need to say fuck it. Maybe I need to dress for the part. Maybe I don’t need everything I want. Maybe I’ve been trying to fill a hole in my life for the past 15 years. Maybe I need to feel the love I have that is right in front of my face. Maybe I need to bear down.

Maybe I need to look in the mirror and accept who I am.

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