Sadness In My Bones

A sadness
Lingers in my bones
How long I don't know
To far back
To remember
Well hidden from prying eyes and intelligent minds
One minute it's concealed then hits me like a truck
But who would care or understand?
Look here at what I've got and my smile inside the frames

Where it comes from I don't know
My heart, my soul, a chemical imbalance in my brain?
Maybe I'm born this way, a product of my environment, or just plain broken
How can I live up to these rules of God, rules of society?
Longing expectations
Home grown prestige
Burning collections
Maybe it's the million ideas swarming in my head
I'll never accomplish
Or will see the light of day
There's just no time being a father, husband, friend
Debt with no end

Even now
In the background
Voices…
Voices you will never hear, continue
Challenging my beliefs
I can't turn them off or push them away
Needing and fearing perfection
If it's not perfect
Do it again, again, and again
Fuck it,
It's not worth it
Every move, every word
Analyzed to no end
The bending flow of constant waves
Meanings never fulfilled
Back and forth, back and forth again
My ego has been deceived
All these hopes and fears
Deep inside of me
Thick like sludge
Slow agony
Exploding
This mental prison is to hard to fight
Maybe freedom only exists on the other side
Where is God through all this?
No one has an answer
Why am I the forgotten child?
I want to believe in God, in something, but why? Why? WHY?

And you can tell me I'm loved but it's hard for me to believe
Because who would love a broken man who can't understand the world he sees?
Or desires a peace he knows he can never reach
Who doesn't know how to love himself?

Sometimes, sometimes
I just want to end it all
A quick shot
My favorite song
Tied up
Loose ends
Deep in the mountains, over a cliff, near an empty lake
I would love to lay
End all of this savage misery
A new chance
A new life
What waits for me on the other side?

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